Funny SEO Stories and Nightmare Clients – Updated Regularly

I’ll add dates as I go along, I started this blog post in late 2020 and as I’ve been in business for over a decade, so when an old story pops into my head I’ll add it.

Google and Facebook Ads ‘Consulation’ Needed December 2020

I need someone highly experienced to check what is wrong with my Google and Facebook ads and tell me why my conversion rate is almost non existent. It is so low, need an experienced Digital Marketing Consultant with at least 5 years experience. I need a consulation and advice.

READ: I want the moon on stick by tomorrow at 9am for £40 please.

The website is still HTTP, comic sans is being used as a font – together with multi coloured letters. The Capitalisation of ‘New Year’ needs fixing, the website site is “dedcicated” to the English language and the tutor wants to be an “Education Center” in Specialist English.

The only other website that I’m aware of is – I am not giving a backlink to this website, take a look for yourself. I guarantee you’re not going to be disappointed.

Champagne Tate and Beer Budget Wallet

LOCKSMITH: Hello I need SEO for my website XXX we are a locksmith targeting local areas XX, XX and XX, our website is 8 years old and we have seen new competitors come out of nowhere! They are taking our business! HELP!!
ME: I have visited your website and looking at the platform it’s JOOMLA! which is not the best for Google SEO, also your home page has zero content, you say “Welcome to my website” but you haven’t told Google you are a locksmith in xxx areas. The content for the whole site needs expanding, also you only have 8 pages and no blog. Google views a website like a newspaper, without a headline on your homepage and no words on your pages, no one is going to buy your newspaper are they? Can you write content so I can tweak for Google? I’ll also need photos and blog content writing on top of SEO so you’re looking at around a 6-12 months campaign to get back on track and usurp your new competition. A rough price would be £££
LOCKSMITH: We can’t afford that! We saw you can teach us everything in an hour with your SEO teaching, we would like this instead. We can’t afford a new website and we can’t write articles.
ME: Sorry, I’m not taking your money. Save your budget for a few months and get back to me.
No reply

CHEAP CLIENT: Hello I need SEO for my website. I don’t have a big budget as a start-up, what’s the cheapest package you offer?
ME: [Nipping this right in the bud] Sorry, I’m not taking your money. I can’t work with a champagne taste and a lemonade wallet.
Save your budget for a few months and get back to me. My reputation and reviews are earned by demonstrating results. If I took your money and gave you no results in Google, wouldn’t you think I was a rubbish SEO and stealing your money?
No reply

CSTMR WHO USES TXT SPK: Hello I have a tantric massage website in XXXcity and I want to be top of Google! Here’s my website www and I’ve just paid an agency overseas £500 for 4 months and I haven’t seen any results! I need someone I can trust! HELP PLZ REPLY ASAP
ME: I’ve looked at your website there’s a page dedicated to hiring new masseuse girls and I’m uncomfortable with your industry as a female so I’d recommend you seek an alternative SEO in this case. Sorry, I’m declining to quote on this occasion. All the best and good luck.
CSTMR WHO USES TXT SPK: YOU HAVE TO HELP ME! I’ve spent £2,000 and don’t have much more than £50/month so can’t you give me something that would help me out? Please .. as a fellow woman in the industry? I need someone I can trust!
ME: no reply

You Get Sacked Before You’ve Been Hired – WIX is Bad for eCommerce UK Nationwide

I’ve written a Case Study on how migrating from WIX to WordPress then implementing SEO demonstrates shocking success in the first 30 days (2020).

These are my favourite situations as I’ve done the research to help potential clients understand my advice, as a bit of background my contact form page has a list of 6 questions which help me identify at a glance of the answers whether I can help, including target search phrases and geographical areas. It also is a strong indication of whether a client is capable of following simple instructions, in this case, no.

WIX CLIENT: Hello I need SEO for my website (note: no answers are provided)
ME: Hi, thank you for your enquiry, what search terms did you type into Google to find my website?
To help you further I’ll need you to answer the following questions (copy and paste)
WIX CLIENT: Here’s my website xxx I want to be top of Google for “T-shirt printing” and “Custom design Tshirts” and “Funny T-shirt printing”
ME: Your website is built on Wix and you have chosen a hyper-competitive industry to launch an online business. My advice is to invest in a platform which is better suited to SEO such as Shopify or WordPress and come back to me
WIX CLIENT: But you have great reviews. Can’t you at least try for me?
ME: I’m not taking your money. My reputation and reviews are earned by demonstrating results. If I took your money and gave you no results for “T shirt printing” in 6 months, wouldn’t you think I was a rubbish SEO and stealing your money?
WIX CLIENT: Funny how you turn down business when you realise I can’t afford a website or offer me a cheaper alternative
ME: no reply [thinking internally – “That’s not called funny, this is called business”]

SPANISH INQUISITION: Hello I need SEO for my website (note: no answers are provided)
ME: Hi, thank you for your enquiry, what search terms did you type into Google to find my website?
To help you further I’ll need you to answer the following questions (copy and paste)
SPANISH INQUISITION: Here’s my website xxx I’m throughout the UK
ME: I have visited your website and I can’t actually see what you do. I was scrolling down and down on mobile, all I could see was your logo and brand name repeated, the images are of a mother and baby in a pushchair, you haven’t replied and told me what services you want to promote in Google rankings, what search terms are you looking to target UK Nationwide?
SPANISH INQUISITION: Well, I’m going to search for another SEO. I didn’t expect the Spanish Inquisition, I just want to be at the top of Google. Thank you for your time I’m going to find another SEO with a focus on customer happiness!!
ME: no reply

Dreamweaver Lady Doesn’t Believe Me (2019)

Dreamweaver: Hi Nina, I can’t tell you how thrilled I was to come across your website, I have been longing to find someone with your skill set for years.

I have a niche hotel in XXX area. I am a totally self-taught web designer. I have learned the little I know about SEO from Google webmaster (which I find is written for people who understand those things and not mere mortals like me) and also from looking at the back end of the competitions sites. I have managed to get us up to page 4 when you put in [insert niche keywords here], but it does not go to the landing page I want and I also want to be a lot higher. I have Adwords running but I have no idea how I managed to set it up and it desperately needs to be improved upon – so in short I desperately need you!

What I would be looking for is a tailored bespoke course where you could teach me the correct methods of SEO’ing, how to actually work Adwords and advice on our social media needs. Is this something you could help with? Our website is XXXX

ME: I’ve looked at your website and it’s built on Dreamweaver. I’m guessing you have always worked on Dreamweaver and you are comfortable with the platform, however in 2019 Google favours different platforms for SEO, I strongly recommend migrating your site to WordPress and only then implementing SEO or me offering a training schedule for you.
Unfortunately, I don’t build/design websites per se so I can’t offer you a quote or take your money, but I work with a local WordPress expert who offers very reasonable rates as a small business, let me know if you would like me to get a quote for you?
Dreamweaver: Thank you but no I don’t

July 2020 • The Yoast Partner Saga with LSEO

This one is flat out unbelievable. I tweeted and Joost sent me a DM asking for more details of the following situation. I had a #cluelessclient who did not understand anything I did, and despite hours on the phone, he could not grasp any concept of what I was saying. Our relationship broke down when he said that divorcing his wife was less painful than working with me! As of 30th November 2020 LSEO remain to be promoted on the Yoast website despite the red flags and concerns I raised.

Here’s what I communicated with Joost:

“My client emailed me over the weekend distraught. He’s not had many enquiries recently and whilst I gently suggested COVID (he’s a structural engineer in London) he had the weekend to meltdown and start to look for answers himself.”

  • #cluelessclient wanted to migrate from his .info TLD to TLD. Verified, Google Change Of Address Tool, all done in 24 hours. Important to remember. This was in May/June 2020.
  • I sent him a SEMrush pro report. He called me and asked “What is it? What does it say?” It was the keyword report. Nothing fancy. I told the client to stop going down a rabbit hole on things he had never heard of (SEMrush) and ask him what he wanted me to report (“Everything, I don’t know”) and I didn’t reply as I needed him to focus on his website not running off loose on the internet.
  • He was genuinely over-excited to have met me and I was stoked to get to prove myself before SEO work started we agreed on search terms and together we Google searched the phrases and the penny dropped he wasn’t ranking at all. Sad client face.
  • 30 days later I had demonstrated a gigantic leap for all of his search phrases. Party time, celebrations for Google page 1. Happy client face.
  • The second website he wanted SEO’ing, same routine, not ranking and in 30 days I had ranked him to Google page 1. Quiet client. He’s moving offices, a huge task for one man and his company of 30 subcontractors and employees. I understand quiet.
  • Yesterday (Sunday 6th July 2020), an email out of the blue how he’s panicking. He doesn’t like my SEO content on his homepage. Note: I was in discussion with his developer to tweak this to be more aesthetically pleasing. I reassured him we could talk about a design compromise vs SEO.
  • This is where it starts to get odd. He called Yoast and spoke to someone. He’s got a premium account, but in 12 years of my career, I’ve never heard of anyone speak to Yoast. More prodding, he says it was a Yoast Partner but refused to forward me any emails.
  • I tweeted Joost DV who DM’d me
  • I forwarded the reply to him, he then told me to look at the reports in his email that the Yoast Partner had sent. There is a report for the .info TLD showing a bomb in traffic, obviously because I migrated to the .com domain. The client is now on an extinction burst, screaming on the phone. Said he regretted meeting me more than he regrets his 27 year marriage breaking down. He was inconsolable. Said he was going to roll back both websites! This I did have to interrupt and beg.
  • I told him, I said “I’m begging you, please don’t roll back your websites” I listened a lot, let him rant, and asked for 24 hours. Reluctantly he agreed.
  • I manually did a keyword search and yup, he’s still Google page 1 for both websites
  • The client told the Yoast Partner I had told him about my Skyscraper Content, was it good? The client stated on the phone that the Yoast partner said that “No, it’s better to have ten small blog posts than one (or more) skyscraper posts
  • Yoast Partner then said BOLLOCKS in their email when the client relayed that I combined 3 blog posts into 1 Skyscraper content. I do avoid swearing when dealing with clients so this was very concerning. Also, please do accept my apologies for saying bollocks.
  • This is where alarm bells rang. Also, they told the client that his huge drop in Google (untrue) is due to a missing canonical tag
  • Client fired me. Refused to answer any of my messages or emails. I don’t care that I’ve been fired, if the email is genuinely from LSEO then I would be concerned. However it could be a scammer posing at LSEO as it’s the first company to be mentioned on your partner’s page. Also there is zero mention of them saying they are a current Yoast partner on their website. The only reference is a 2015 blog https:// when I use yoast partner
  • Client refuses to forward me the emails saying he doesn’t need to prove anything to me. I’m angry if he has been scammed the 2 scenarios here are saying
  • 1 – A) Skyscraper content isn’t effective and B) a re=canonical tag is responsible for C) [a non existent] “website drop in rankings” demonstated by the sharp decline of a TLD that’s no longer live and is 301’ing over to his .com domain
  • 2 – There’s a company pretending to be Which I can’t prove as the client won’t forward me an original email from them.
  • Client and I parted ways. I can explain SEO to someone, but I can’t understand it for them

Sales and Marketing experience since 1999, specific SEO skills since 2004. Owner of SEO Lady Ltd providing Internet Marketing to companies in UK and internationally in a broad range of industries. Small Business Specialist, onthly eCommerce digital marketing, and Search Engine Optimisation one-off projects such as domain migration or how to retain Google rankings when a complete website redesign is in the planning stage.

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